Vayigash – Standing in your friend’s shoes

By Rabbi Ezra Friedman

How can we as human beings truly help one another? Rav Soloveichik explains that in order to achieve an act of true giving, one must understand what the receiver is missing. He must consciously feel and identify with the person he is giving to. Rav Soloveichik gives a very practical example of this. When a person wants to comfort a mourner, he must picture himself beforehand in the mourner’s situation. He must imagine how he would feel if he suddenly lost his mother or father. In addition, he must try to understand the circumstances in order to know what kind of comfort should be given. When a person puts himself in the other’s shoes that is the maximal way to help another. In order to attain such an understanding, sometimes one must literally try to experience what the other is going through in order to be able to help and support him.

One of the most famous rabbinic authorities of the 20th century, Rabbi Yitzchak Elchanan Spector, told an inspirational story that elaborates on this point. In Jewish law there is a term called Aguna. The term can refer to a woman who is married, but whose husband has disappeared and no one can confirm if he is dead or not. Under Jewish law an Aguna cannot remarry until it is confirmed that her husband is no longer alive. This situation is very delicate and unfortunate. However, Jewish scholars have worked tirelessly using halachic tools to allow an Aguna to remarry. Rav Yitzchak Elchanan was approached and told about an Aguna who had been in limbo for years. He was asked if he could dedicate himself to finding a solution for her situation. He stood up and claimed that he had to know where this Aguna lived and find an apartment close to her to rent. His colleagues were perplexed as to why he would need to do such a thing. Living near her had nothing to do with her halachic status. He explained that only after seeing and witnessing her pain and loneliness could he truly dedicate himself to finding her a halachic solution.

We learn from this that in order to truly give someone what he needs, we must understand the depths of what he is lacking. In this week’s Parsha we enter a new saga in the story of our forefathers. An in depth look at this week’s story can help us internalize the idea of identifying with the needs of a fellow Jew.

Last week’s Parsha ended with the Egyptians finding the silver goblet in Binyanim‘s bag and declaring that Binyamin would remain a slave in Egypt. In this week’s Parsha, Yehuda begs Yosef to take him as a slave instead of Binyamin. Yehuda is quite aware that his chances are slim, but nevertheless, he tries everything to convince Yosef. Finally, at the end of his pleading, he exclaims (Breishit 44,34):

כִּי־אֵיךְ֙ אֶֽעֱלֶ֣ה אֶל־אָבִ֔י וְהַנַּ֖עַר אֵינֶ֣נּוּ אִתִּ֑י פֶּ֚ן אֶרְאֶ֣ה בָרָ֔ע אֲשֶׁ֥ר יִמְצָ֖א אֶת־אָבִֽי׃

For how can I go back to my father unless the boy is with me? Let me not be witness to the woe that would overtake my father!”

Yehuda‘s technique of persuasion was his attempt to describe to Yosef the incredible pain Yaakov would feel after losing Binyamin. In his words, he claims that he cannot bear to experience that feeling. From Yehuda’s words, it would seem that he himself could feel Yaakov‘s heart breaking after hearing such news. That feeling of loss is what made Yehuda continue to plead relentlessly for Binyamin‘s life. He literally felt his father’s pain so intensely that he was willing to give himself into slavery in his brother’s stead. This incredible attribute that Yehuda had, to identify so strongly with his father’s feelings, helped him go the extra mile.

From this we learn the best way to improve the way we, as Jews, treat one another. In order to spread peace and love between all Jews and prevent needless fighting, we must try to put ourselves in the shoes of the other person. If we try our utmost to feel the way others feel, we can succeed in preventing any fight and rebuild any broken relationship. In 2018, this solution has become even harder. We are blessed with so many innovative tools for communication, such as, Facebook, WhatsApp, Twitter and more. However, there is also a hidden danger behind these tools. Behind all this technology are people. Faces are behind those screens and when we write something, we are not always aware of what the other person is going through. We should try our best to be very careful not to judge right away or send a swift response; we should stop and think about what the other person is going through. From now on, we must stop, think and imagine what the other person feels. If we as Jews all unite our hearts, we can remove pain and sorrow from this world.